Is freedom letting go?

Heath called me last week to tell me he has a new girlfriend, Sabrina. I am thrilled for him. This is what my heart longed for, that he would meet someone he could love and have children with. Sabrina is 32 and has never been married. She's a blond. That is significant because Crista's hair was dark, as were here lovely eyes. And Heath has never been attracted to Blonds. Also significant, I think. This is a new beginning for my son-in-law. And he deserves another chance at happiness.

On another level, this news took me from my manic phase of grief (long coming) and thrust me back into my depressive state. I can't stop crying. Again.

The world seems to be swirling around me in total chaos. Nothing makes sense. I am a lost traveler in this world. And yet, I don't believe that is what I am supposed to be--lost. Heath and Crista and I came together, I believe, as we were supposed to. It's as if we had a celestial agreement. I, to raise my beautiful, complex, complicated daughter, Health to love her through her last journey, she to touch the lives of so many before she left. Heath knows this is true. I know this is true. Crista knows this is true. Now Heath, his job done, is moving on. As should I. But how?

Buddhist monk Pedra Chodron explains this state of loss and confusion thus:

If we are wiling to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the groundlessness of our situation. This is the first step on the path.

The Course in Miracles tells us that it is only our ego mind that creates and projects the sadness and despair that accompany illusory events in this world of separation. If I "knew" with certainty that there is no death (as the Course emphasizes), that the son of God is free--if I truly believed that and trusted God and Holy Spirit, if I could shed the false beliefs I have in loss and death, I would begin to see the world differently and every terrifying thing would be transformed into a thing of joy.

Ekhart Tolle says that every time a thought begins with "me" or "I" or "mine," it is the ego speaking. And the ego has an investment in keeping us unhappy, suffering.

The Course says to relinquish false idols.

I can draw no conclusion from these ramblings. Suffice it to say that I have an inkling that I should stand before God and offer him my suffering. So that is what I will do. I will pray that it is lifted from me, and in its place I will find God's pure joy. Because, according to the celestial contract I share with my beloved Crista and my wonderful Heath, I have more to do on this earth before I leave. And God knows that I am willing to do it. I only ask for guidance along the way.

I will close with a note I made the other day in the margin of the Course Workbook.

"When I am willing to stand in the light of God and shed (lose, in human terms) everything, then I will understand that these "things" are not real. I must be willing to let go. It feels like loss. It is really freedom."